Disconnected by Sherry Ashworth

Author:Sherry Ashworth [Sherry Ashworth]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780007393466
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2012-12-27T05:00:00+00:00

To Taz (5)

The worst thing was thinking that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me you thought you might be gay. I’d imagined we were so close you could have told me anything and not been afraid of my reaction. If you’d broken it to me gently, it wouldn’t have been such a shock. I would have been taken aback, I guess, but I would have got used to it. Honest. But finding out in the way I did left me spinning. One minute you were straight and fancied me, the next you were gay and fancied Spence. Well, OK, not gay but bisexual. Yes, I was upset, and it took some getting used to. I was hurt by the fact that you hadn’t told me sooner. Did you think I was so straight and boring and narrow-minded I could never have accepted that you were confused about your sexuality? You made me feel our relationship had been a sham, that you didn’t trust me. That you didn’t like me as much as I liked you.

So I felt a fool, a proper idiot. Firstly, for not sensing the fact you were different. Then for just about everything that had happened that night. For my bizarre idea that you would want to sleep with me. For the fact I was crazy enough to set you up. For not realising as soon as Spence walked in the flat that he was gay – that should have been startlingly obvious. But I guess I’m just not used to stuff like that. And for going to Satin with you and never picking up for one moment that I was out of place, unwanted. I felt stupid, and betrayed. Angry with myself, and angry with you. And lonely. Because without realising it, you had become my best, my only true friend.

But lonely isn’t a big enough word. It was more than that. I felt cut adrift. I’d left my old life and thrown in my lot with yours. Because you were so different I felt that just by being with you, I was different. That I was saying something about me because I chose to be to your almost-girlfriend. But now I was back where I started. A failed rebel. A rebel without courage. A rebel without you.

Sorry if this sounds over-dramatic, but it was what went through my head initially. Later, some time later, I saw my initial reactions had been selfish. I was angry, I was betrayed, I wasn’t taken into your confidence. So I tried to think about you, and why you never had the courage to tell me you were bisexual. I guess it was easier for you to compartmentalise your life. It’s easier to be one person at a time. When you were with me, you were one Taz, with Spence, another. With your parents, I reckon, another. A good way to live, because as soon as you get fed up with one side of yourself, you can morph into another.

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